An Open Letter from a Developer to Himself — The crippling dark side of Indie GameDev

This is gonna get very real, really fast. But please, just humour me.

Picture this…

You’ve been developing your dream game for the better part of the last year, the last 2 years, 3 years… even 8 years…

You’ve been sitting alone, for hours and hours, day in, day out, with little to no interaction with other people, just mashing keys and clicking furiously for literal years.

And still, you only have little to show for such an insane amount of time invested into a single item.

Even worse…

You’ve never shown your game to the public in any real capacity, and have genuinely no idea whether upon showing them they’ll just dismiss it without a thought, or if they’ll go as far as to even bash it to the ground as the absolute “piece-of-crap” game that you secretly suspect it is…

Your close friends tell you it’s good. But is it really? You’re sure they’re just trying to avoid hurting your feelings.

You might even have a development team under your care, but whatever reassuring words they might throw your way, may actually feel to you as though you’re just listening to your own echo chamber.

Is this you?

Because it certainly is me.

Game development depression is a real thing. And every day, it’s eating away at developers’ sanities all over the world.

And today I’m just writing this piece in order to get a hold of myself, vent off, and hopefully bounce back soon.

These last few months since January, I’m sure I’ve experienced either burnout, or growing bouts of anxiety and crippling lethargy at ever increasing rates.

It’s like the closer I get to the game’s release state, the harder it gets to keep functioning as an individual.

And it gets even worse when you consider I’m the team’s lead, and that I do not have any other team member able to fully take over my functions.

I’ve been in game development for around 4 years, without so far perceiving a single penny for my efforts. Of which 3 of those years were spent self-learning the craft, while bashing my head like a jackass at a project that I was completely unable to recognize, for the longest time, that it was way out of my league (or even of any sensible and reasonably experienced developer’s).

I’ve only spent the last year actually making visible progress towards releasing a title, but the whole 3 prior years of struggle are weighing down hard on me, as my inner critic has started to run out of patience.

If you’re going through something similar, I wish I could assure you with confidence that it will get better.

But at this point, I honestly do not know.

And if you add to that, the struggle to be seen that is so familiar to every other content creator over in the internet… You’ve got yourself a recipe for crippling anxiety and even depression.

Indie developers find themselves at a uniquely vulnerable position in regards to depression and anxiety, because this is a craft in which the barrier to entry is pitifully low, and the time it takes to release anything is exceedingly high.

Which only means that the pressure is on, in order to make something that the public will deem worthy, and that will make yourself proud.

We’re slaving away silently, in the dark, without anyone knowing that we’re at it, for months, and even years at an end…

Just to one day, suddenly come out to the light with a game that hopefully will put a smile into someone’s face (and pay the bills for that matter).

This is a seriously stressful job to be doing.

And even more so when you’re just an inexperienced youth trying to break into the industry of your dreams.

And you’re doing it all by yourself! (Or with a team of equally inexperienced people).

You’re even putting a piece of yourself out there for the world to judge.

That takes some serious guts, man!

Game Development, as any art form, uniquely exposes your vulnerable self for the world to see. Yet we, as the world, are incredibly ruthless with these pieces of work. And that is a truly frightening thing to think about while on the vulnerable side of the equation.

It is indeed a miraculous thing that any indie game ever gets done. And as such, this is my open letter from me, to you, and to myself:

• Be kind to yourself: If you have not yet given up, you’re already ahead of the massive curve of games that never see the light of day. And that is commendable enough in and of itself.
• Give yourself a break: As you get closer and closer to the day, you might feel the impulse to start pushing harder and harder. So I must remind you that between the hare and the tortoise, the hare lost the race. Sometimes, slowing down and taking care of yourself is the faster way to proceed. So be gentle.
• GIVE YOURSELF A DAMN BREAK: A freaking real one. Because sitting in your room, playing games by yourself might be fine to decompress on some weekends. But as a human being, you need more than that. So go out with your friends. And. STOP. Seeing. Your Friends. Every. 6. Months. You need them more than that, and I’m sure they’ll be glad to hear more about you.

Let me say it again.

Be kind to yourself, and give yourself a break. Game development is a really competitive world, and you don’t need to have yourself as your worst enemy. So take some time off, and then soldier on.

But seriously, boy. Find your balance.

Any more burnout, and you’ll be charcoal.